Raising an Introverted Child
The following recommendations were compiled by the Parent Institute Committee of the Office of Gifted Education and Curriculum Development. They are based on research and the experiences of educators and parents of gifted students in Virginia Beach City Public Schools.
Introverted students may become convinced during their search for meaning that school provides only superficial answers and, in fact, distracts them from their quest. These are students who reflect on new information at length and react relatively slowly. Extraverts are geared more for action, so they reflect and react almost at the same time. Research now shows that the brains of introverts actually do work differently than the brains of extraverts.
Most of us are not fully introverted or extraverted. Instead, we tend to be some combination of the two—positioned on a continuum between the extremes. Some students, though, can be characterized as very much an introvert or very much an extravert. Research does suggest that introversion is more common among gifted students than in the general population.
Introversion is NOT the same as shyness. Though some introverts are also shy many are capable of being very social. Johnny Carson was a famous and admitted introvert. Introverts can be socially active and highly engaging but usually need to remove themselves to recharge after an hour or two of being socially active. It is not being antisocial or depressed, it is simply the need to refresh and revive.
To help introverted students learn to socialize we must first accept that they need opportunities for seclusion, time for reflection, acceptance of silence, and support and understanding from adults. This is not a preference for these students; it is actually a part of their basic chemistry. We can provide safe “thinking spots" and escape routes for them when they need a retreat. These places of retreat can be physical spaces or places they can go in their minds.
Some introverts do want to socialize and usually are successful at making and maintaining friendships once they have been given safe spots and escape routes. Helping these students is fairly straightforward:
Establish safe spots and escape routes with them through discussion and negotiation.
Consult with your child's teachers to set up retreats that work in the school setting.
Talk with your child about how to use the safe spots and escape routes successfully.
Other introverted students are hesitant to socialize or feel little motivation to try. They are so comfortable getting their communal needs met through the stories they read, their own imaginations, or their online relationships that they do not want to bother themselves with the aggravations of dealing with real people face-to-face. Once these students feel they have safe bases when needed, we must nurture them to transition into socialization.
Talk to them about how they can leave their safe space and move into social situations.
Coach them on specific social skills that will help them be accepted.
Help them learn how to engage other students and to disengage from a conversation-a particularly critical set of skills for these students.
Coach them, also, on the kinds of comments and actions that will distance other people.
Coach them on how to handle their sense that others are being insincere, shallow, or narrow-minded.
Focus on the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness.
Investigate Further
Introverted students may become convinced during their search for meaning that school provides only superficial answers and, in fact, distracts them from their quest. These are students who reflect on new information at length and react relatively slowly. Extraverts are geared more for action, so they reflect and react almost at the same time. Research now shows that the brains of introverts actually do work differently than the brains of extraverts.
Most of us are not fully introverted or extraverted. Instead, we tend to be some combination of the two—positioned on a continuum between the extremes. Some students, though, can be characterized as very much an introvert or very much an extravert. Research does suggest that introversion is more common among gifted students than in the general population.
Introversion is NOT the same as shyness. Though some introverts are also shy many are capable of being very social. Johnny Carson was a famous and admitted introvert. Introverts can be socially active and highly engaging but usually need to remove themselves to recharge after an hour or two of being socially active. It is not being antisocial or depressed, it is simply the need to refresh and revive.
To help introverted students learn to socialize we must first accept that they need opportunities for seclusion, time for reflection, acceptance of silence, and support and understanding from adults. This is not a preference for these students; it is actually a part of their basic chemistry. We can provide safe “thinking spots" and escape routes for them when they need a retreat. These places of retreat can be physical spaces or places they can go in their minds.
Some introverts do want to socialize and usually are successful at making and maintaining friendships once they have been given safe spots and escape routes. Helping these students is fairly straightforward:
Establish safe spots and escape routes with them through discussion and negotiation.
Consult with your child's teachers to set up retreats that work in the school setting.
Talk with your child about how to use the safe spots and escape routes successfully.
Other introverted students are hesitant to socialize or feel little motivation to try. They are so comfortable getting their communal needs met through the stories they read, their own imaginations, or their online relationships that they do not want to bother themselves with the aggravations of dealing with real people face-to-face. Once these students feel they have safe bases when needed, we must nurture them to transition into socialization.
Talk to them about how they can leave their safe space and move into social situations.
Coach them on specific social skills that will help them be accepted.
Help them learn how to engage other students and to disengage from a conversation-a particularly critical set of skills for these students.
Coach them, also, on the kinds of comments and actions that will distance other people.
Coach them on how to handle their sense that others are being insincere, shallow, or narrow-minded.
Focus on the difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness.
Investigate Further
The link above provides other resources for supporting students who are introverted.
References
Helgoe, L. (2010). Revenge of the introvert. Psychology Today. Retrieved from the Psychology Today Online Web site at: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201008/revenge-the-introvert
Laney, M.O. (2005). The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child: Helping Your Child Thrive in an Extroverted World. Workman Publishing Co. New York, NY.
Psychology Today. All about introversion. Retrieved from the Psychology Today Online Web site: http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/introversion
Wagele, E. (2006). The Happy Introvert: A Wild and Crazy Guide for Celebrating Your True Self. Ulysses Press. Berkely, CA.
Laney, M.O. (2005). The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child: Helping Your Child Thrive in an Extroverted World. Workman Publishing Co. New York, NY.
Psychology Today. All about introversion. Retrieved from the Psychology Today Online Web site: http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/introversion
Wagele, E. (2006). The Happy Introvert: A Wild and Crazy Guide for Celebrating Your True Self. Ulysses Press. Berkely, CA.