Family dynamics and underachievement
Because of the complexity of underachievement and the lack of homogeneity among the students, there is limited empirical research on the family characteristics of underachieving gifted children (Siegle, McCoach, and Rubenstein, 2012). There is some empirical or clinical
support for a few family characteristics that tend to be associated with underachievement.
Parents who tend to be overly strict or overly lenient
Assertive and supportive parenting is critical to the development of all students. They need both positive, thoughtful emotional support and clear, consistent structure. A tendency to overemphasize the structure and discipline or to overemphasize the support, trust, and leniency
can result in students not having the emotional and self-regulation skills necessary for success.
Bestowing Adult Status Too Early
Children who are gifted are sometimes expected to behave and respond at an emotional maturity level that is roughly equivalent to
their advanced levels of cognitive processing instead of levels appropriate to their age. Added to this, gifted students often strive for autonomy at younger ages than their peers. As a result, they may appear to be more capable of emotionally mature decisions than they really are.
Even though advanced levels of reasoning and general problem-solving skills do not necessarilly mean that a child is emotionally advanced there are families that turn to a child for support, particularly a child with a strong personality. A parent may feel distressed by a loss of a spouse, a job, or a home and turn to their child for emotional support while providing little of their own to the child. Or, a parent may feel tired and reluctant to make decisions in response to feeling overwhelmed by the demands of their lives. These parents may let their children make most of the decisions in the home. Kids in these kinds of situations may feel powerful in the home. They may feel that they need to take charge to keep their home safe. However, once they see their status as equal to or above that of the adults in the home they often generalize that perception of their relative status to all adults, including teachers.
Parentification, in its extreme, is defined by Hooper (2007) as a process by which parents explicitly or implicitly create an environment fostering caretaking behavior in their children for one or both parents. The children provide the stability for the family by providing specific emotional support while the parent may remain emotionally unavailable to the child. This often creates a chronic state of anxiety or stress in the children. For some students, their responsibilities at home, as they perceive them, are so overwhelming that they dwarf the perceived importance
of school success. They may like school and even express an understanding of its value. For these kids the value of school is trivial in comparison to keeping one of their parents emotionally stable, supporting siblings because the parents are unable or unwilling to be the caretaker, or being the main support for helping a parent through a depression, an illness, or an addiction.
Inconsistent parenting techniques
A parent may be inconsistent in how he or she provides support and structure for a child. The parent may be firm, consistent and caring on good days, but volatile, overly sensitive and unpredictable on a bad day. We all have good and bad days, but when the swings in response to
their kids are frequent and extreme the emotional roller coaster leaves the kids emotionally drained, defensive, angry and/or repressed.
Another concern is when one parent has a very different parenting style than the other. This may happen with divorced couples but it also happens in intact families. One parent may be the disciplinarian, the enforcer of rules. The other may be the good-time person who finds it amusing for the child to break the rules.
Inconsistency in parenting leads many kids to uncertainty in other parts of their lives. They may have difficulty committing to a course of action because of their experience with getting two different responses to many of their past actions.
Side conversations
Parents may have side conversations about their children finding their antics amusing. Parents may properly chastise and enforce discipline for inappropriate behavior with their children. But, then, the child may overhear a parent talking to a grandparent on the phone about the problem. However, what he or she hears is a recounting of how funny the whole thing was. The message is, "My parent may say one thing to
me, but they don't really feel that way. They think that what I did was funny and entertaining. My parent actually likes seeing me behave
that way." Sylvia Rimm (1996) refers to this as “referential speaking” and recommends using it in a positive way for behavior management.
Demeaning the Fruits of Their Labors by Example
Parents may complain mightily about their own jobs. The not-so-hidden message may be, “I got an education; I worked hard, now I’m miserable. It’s your turn to do the same thing. That’s just the way it is.” The legitimate question for the child is why should he or she work hard to achieve when that path leads to a future of discontent, frustration, stress, and anger?
The Importance of Promoting a Growth Mindset
People with fixed mindsets believe that their traits, such as intelligence, talents, and personality, are just given, so they worry about whether their traits are adequate. People with a growth mindset believe their traits can be developed through dedication and effort. A growth mindset is highly correlated with academic success while a fixed mindset often works against academic success.
Self-esteem means you feel good about yourself and is associated with a “fixed mindset.” Self-efficacy means you feel confident in your ability to accomplish something and is associated with a “growth mindset.” That is a simplistic delineation, but the essence of the concern is that parents and teachers need to focus more on how students’ perceive their ability to accomplish, their appreciation of the importance of putting in effort, and their ability to assess their own skill development as much or more than how they feel about themselves. Carol Dweck developed this concept based on years of research. You can learn more about her work by going to our Mindset for Accomplishment site.
Taking Sides
Siding with a child over the teacher or communicating that you know more about educating your child than the teacher can leave the child feeling powerful in the classroom and convince him or her to play little heed to what the teacher says.
Parents and teachers should work together for the education of a student. If one of the child’s caretakers is dismissive of others in front of the child then the entire education process may be undermined. With different signals from different caretakers the child will often choose to select the adult who makes them feel more empowered or entertained.
Concerns with Family Dynamics
This page only scratches the surface of the issues that arise from family dynamics. If you would like to explore any of these topics further we suggest that you start with Dr. Dweck's book on mindset or Dr. Rimm's books and articles listed in the references below or go to our Web Resources for Underachievement page.
support for a few family characteristics that tend to be associated with underachievement.
Parents who tend to be overly strict or overly lenient
Assertive and supportive parenting is critical to the development of all students. They need both positive, thoughtful emotional support and clear, consistent structure. A tendency to overemphasize the structure and discipline or to overemphasize the support, trust, and leniency
can result in students not having the emotional and self-regulation skills necessary for success.
Bestowing Adult Status Too Early
Children who are gifted are sometimes expected to behave and respond at an emotional maturity level that is roughly equivalent to
their advanced levels of cognitive processing instead of levels appropriate to their age. Added to this, gifted students often strive for autonomy at younger ages than their peers. As a result, they may appear to be more capable of emotionally mature decisions than they really are.
Even though advanced levels of reasoning and general problem-solving skills do not necessarilly mean that a child is emotionally advanced there are families that turn to a child for support, particularly a child with a strong personality. A parent may feel distressed by a loss of a spouse, a job, or a home and turn to their child for emotional support while providing little of their own to the child. Or, a parent may feel tired and reluctant to make decisions in response to feeling overwhelmed by the demands of their lives. These parents may let their children make most of the decisions in the home. Kids in these kinds of situations may feel powerful in the home. They may feel that they need to take charge to keep their home safe. However, once they see their status as equal to or above that of the adults in the home they often generalize that perception of their relative status to all adults, including teachers.
Parentification, in its extreme, is defined by Hooper (2007) as a process by which parents explicitly or implicitly create an environment fostering caretaking behavior in their children for one or both parents. The children provide the stability for the family by providing specific emotional support while the parent may remain emotionally unavailable to the child. This often creates a chronic state of anxiety or stress in the children. For some students, their responsibilities at home, as they perceive them, are so overwhelming that they dwarf the perceived importance
of school success. They may like school and even express an understanding of its value. For these kids the value of school is trivial in comparison to keeping one of their parents emotionally stable, supporting siblings because the parents are unable or unwilling to be the caretaker, or being the main support for helping a parent through a depression, an illness, or an addiction.
Inconsistent parenting techniques
A parent may be inconsistent in how he or she provides support and structure for a child. The parent may be firm, consistent and caring on good days, but volatile, overly sensitive and unpredictable on a bad day. We all have good and bad days, but when the swings in response to
their kids are frequent and extreme the emotional roller coaster leaves the kids emotionally drained, defensive, angry and/or repressed.
Another concern is when one parent has a very different parenting style than the other. This may happen with divorced couples but it also happens in intact families. One parent may be the disciplinarian, the enforcer of rules. The other may be the good-time person who finds it amusing for the child to break the rules.
Inconsistency in parenting leads many kids to uncertainty in other parts of their lives. They may have difficulty committing to a course of action because of their experience with getting two different responses to many of their past actions.
Side conversations
Parents may have side conversations about their children finding their antics amusing. Parents may properly chastise and enforce discipline for inappropriate behavior with their children. But, then, the child may overhear a parent talking to a grandparent on the phone about the problem. However, what he or she hears is a recounting of how funny the whole thing was. The message is, "My parent may say one thing to
me, but they don't really feel that way. They think that what I did was funny and entertaining. My parent actually likes seeing me behave
that way." Sylvia Rimm (1996) refers to this as “referential speaking” and recommends using it in a positive way for behavior management.
Demeaning the Fruits of Their Labors by Example
Parents may complain mightily about their own jobs. The not-so-hidden message may be, “I got an education; I worked hard, now I’m miserable. It’s your turn to do the same thing. That’s just the way it is.” The legitimate question for the child is why should he or she work hard to achieve when that path leads to a future of discontent, frustration, stress, and anger?
The Importance of Promoting a Growth Mindset
People with fixed mindsets believe that their traits, such as intelligence, talents, and personality, are just given, so they worry about whether their traits are adequate. People with a growth mindset believe their traits can be developed through dedication and effort. A growth mindset is highly correlated with academic success while a fixed mindset often works against academic success.
Self-esteem means you feel good about yourself and is associated with a “fixed mindset.” Self-efficacy means you feel confident in your ability to accomplish something and is associated with a “growth mindset.” That is a simplistic delineation, but the essence of the concern is that parents and teachers need to focus more on how students’ perceive their ability to accomplish, their appreciation of the importance of putting in effort, and their ability to assess their own skill development as much or more than how they feel about themselves. Carol Dweck developed this concept based on years of research. You can learn more about her work by going to our Mindset for Accomplishment site.
Taking Sides
Siding with a child over the teacher or communicating that you know more about educating your child than the teacher can leave the child feeling powerful in the classroom and convince him or her to play little heed to what the teacher says.
Parents and teachers should work together for the education of a student. If one of the child’s caretakers is dismissive of others in front of the child then the entire education process may be undermined. With different signals from different caretakers the child will often choose to select the adult who makes them feel more empowered or entertained.
Concerns with Family Dynamics
This page only scratches the surface of the issues that arise from family dynamics. If you would like to explore any of these topics further we suggest that you start with Dr. Dweck's book on mindset or Dr. Rimm's books and articles listed in the references below or go to our Web Resources for Underachievement page.
References
Dweck, C. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. New York, NY: Ballantine Press.
Hooper, L. (2007). Expanding the Discussion Regarding Parentification and Its Varied Outcomes: Implications for Mental Health Research and Practice. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 29,322-337.
Rimm, S. (1997). How to Parent So Children Will Learn. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
Rimm, S. (2007) Keys to parenting the gifted child: 3rd edition. Great Potential Press. Tuscon, AZ.
Siegle,D. & McCoach, B. Rubenstein, L.D. (2012). Understanding and Addressing Underachievement In Gifted Students. In Cross, T. & Cross, J. (Eds.) Handbook for Counselors Serving Students with Gifts and Talents (pp. 511-528) Waco, TX: Prufrock Press Inc.
Hooper, L. (2007). Expanding the Discussion Regarding Parentification and Its Varied Outcomes: Implications for Mental Health Research and Practice. Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 29,322-337.
Rimm, S. (1997). How to Parent So Children Will Learn. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
Rimm, S. (2007) Keys to parenting the gifted child: 3rd edition. Great Potential Press. Tuscon, AZ.
Siegle,D. & McCoach, B. Rubenstein, L.D. (2012). Understanding and Addressing Underachievement In Gifted Students. In Cross, T. & Cross, J. (Eds.) Handbook for Counselors Serving Students with Gifts and Talents (pp. 511-528) Waco, TX: Prufrock Press Inc.